Tiger Woods School Of Driving

Housing estate, check! Muppet SUV driver, check! Attempting to drift SUV in housing estate by muppet driver, check! Hilarious consequences, check!

Amazon.co.uk Toy Search FAIL

So there I was, doing a little Christmas shopping, browsing through the toys section of Amazon.co.uk when I suddenly spy No. 44, "Beaver Cuts Magnetic Drawing." Now I'm not one for censorship and I'm sure the kiddies would love it (or perhaps they'd prefer the alternative version: "Dicky Doos Magnetic Drawing") but this still is a fail by Amazon.

Louis Walsh... Pre-Jedward

I have collected many treasures over the years...

Real-Time Granular Destruction In Propellerhead's Reason

Granule-8, a real-time granular processor for Reason 3.0 and above (although the idea will work for reason 2.0 too). Yes I know it's a silly name but the original title "granular fever" was much more silly, and Granule-8 fits more into the naming scheme of reason. So basically, what this combinator patch does is provide real time granulation of of any sound source.

I have been using this technique for granular effects for over a year. I've planned this post for most of that time. I had hoped to do a really special write up and include a more impressive video demonstration. Time keeps moving though so I'm just going to publish what I have so far. Those who are interested will hopefully appreciate what's going on...

Where I got the idea

Regular readers will most likely know that I am a fan of Tim Exile and music of his ilk. I really like what he managed to get out of his NI Reaktor setup. I watched videos on youtube of people creating granular effects on a single sample in Reason, and while they sounded good, I found them a bit limited for my use. I figured because Reason didn't have a real-time sampler, you could never create anything similar. Then I read about how the reverse reverb algorithm in Reasons RV7000 reverb unit actually pre-buffers the sound source being fed into it and then calculates the reverse reverb effect based on that, as opposed to just adding some pseudo reverb. Thats when I started wondering if you could use this buffer for time stretching.

How it works:

If you read the above paragraph or watched the video, you probably have it all figured out by now. Basically, you pipe whatever sound you want granulated through a RV7000, set to output a completely wet signal. You switch the algorithm type to "Reverse". Dial the "Rev. Wet/Dry" to 0. Make sure the "Tempo Sync" is set to off. Now, as you playback the sound source you can "scrub" the "length" dial to the right and hear the effect. You need to time it right to get the desired effect. Do it too fast and the sound will start playing in reverse. You can hear me manually scrubbing the delay time in this piece of music (which uses an early version of the combinator patch, and has the entire mix fed into it).
Reason Time Test by Gamma Goblin

In the Granule-8 combinator, I have automated the pace of scrubbing by using the lfo from a Malstrom synth unit which is fed into the CV input for rotary 2 of the Granule-8 Combinator itself. Using Rotary 2 on the combinator will introduce skewed effects.

The beat-grid effect is based on the same overall idea but the "Tempo-sync" is turned on, on the RV7000 unit. CV changes come from patterns drawn in the Matrix pattern sequencer. These can be drawn and altered on the fly.

How to use the Granule-8 combinator patch

The knobs and buttons are all fairly easy to figure out, but developing a desirable result with them is a bit more difficult. There are a certain amount of recognisable DJ/vinyl techniques that I've managed to approximate with the unit already (such as spin-down etc.) and a wide selection of sounds that are a bit crap... it's still a work in progress! :)

The rotaries from left to right: Time Shift This controls the amount/speed of the granulated signal. Granule Mod This rotary is tied to the lfo from the Malstrom controlling the pace, so altering this will introduce "pleasant" distortions to the effect. Mangler Patterns This simply selects the patterns within the Matrix unit.  Mangle Mod like the granule mod rotary, altering this will alter the beat grid effect as the Curve CV from the Matrix Unit is fed directly into it.

The buttons from left to right: Granulate!  Just switches on the granular effect. Due to the way this is set up, it does not retain memory of that last position of the Time Shift knob (something I wish it did!) Pitch Shift Simply adds a pitch shift effect to to the granulation, giving the impression of slowing down. Manglate! Invokes the beat pattern effect Routing A - B Selects whether the granulation comes before or after the manglation!

Problems & Improvements

There are problems with this, hence why I added in the notion of it being a "beta" release. Ideally one interested in this effect would probably build up their own combinator patch based on their own preferences, ideas and improvements.

The one I'm providing has three RV7000 reverb units, which do add to the CPU overhead of any song. Three are needed to allow for the "beat grid" effect to be applied either before or after the granulation. I also have a version which only uses two reverb units, with a convoluted crossover setup but I could never get rid of some odd stereo phasing whenever I flipped between circuits. Perhaps it was just a misplaced cable that I kept missing.

The sound of the effect isn't always that smooth, as there is sometimes nasty clipping present as you change settings in the RV7000 units. Adding some deliberate distortion usually fixes this.

Download and try it out for yourself. If you manage to do anything decent with it or improve the setup I want to hear from you! :) Try out the combinator with the excellent Reason Combinator patches by Kurt Kurasaki (Peff) for even better results!

Download ---> Granule-8.cmb

Bonus Song! A short remix of Röyksopp's "Vision One" tune which was the first thing I put through an early version of this Combinator patch. You can hear some of the phasing I mentioned earlier because this one only uses two RV7000 units. I added a simple drum loop over the top to keep everything in time just in case things got crazy. I've done a few other takes of this with improved timing but this first version is short and sweet and hopefully won't incur copyright problems :) Things get "interesting" from about 43 seconds in.

Granule-8 demo by user9356733

Oh one last thing, in case you hadn't realised, using the RV700's Reverse Reverb algorithm in this manner allows you to utilise its EQ and Gate (albeit with a 10ms delay). The EQ is kinda redundant with the other modules available in Reason but the audio Gate can be very useful.

The Gillette Ad Curse: Will Roger Federer be next?

First, it was Thierry Henry who came under scrutiny when he handled the ball during the France V. Ireland game... now Tiger Woods seems to have scored more birdies than... well, than Tiger Woods really. So will Roger Federer end up in the papers next, for all the wrong reasons?

Unlikely Lookalikes

Awful selection of celebrity impersonators found at an airport recently. From left to right: Louis Walsh, Gerry Adams, Dale Winton, Ginger Spice. Louis Walsh is pretty bad, but Gerry Adams looks nothing like the real one.

[via ---> via]

Scenes From The M8

Traveling on the M8, towards Cork, on Saturday morning last yielded a beautiful views of the Knockmealdown Mountains. Snow capped with thick fog at the base, they really looked lovely. This country does have it's moments...

Never Judge A Book By It's Cover

And what a great title too! "Ass Goblins of Auschwitz". I can't help but wonder if reading it would live up to expectations though. And what about these other great titles...

{my music} Darker Ages - Jethro Tull... Remix

I've titled this as a remix, but it's not really. I just total a sample of some "a cappella" vocals from this youtube video and put them to music (as I promised to ages ago in this post). I've also included the demo-demo version of the tune which has a different vibe to it, but is still pretty much the same sort of thing, albeit rougher.

The video is based on footage from the original video the audio is taken from. I wish the original had more footage that I could lip-sync to, but it didn't, so I had to make do.

Oh yeah, one more thing: Anderson blows and I suck... what a combination!

Darker Ages by Gamma Goblin

Darker ages - demo demo by Gamma Goblin

I Wrote A Country & Western Song

I see you plastering on the makeup,
With your milky face gone all brown.
You were doing it at the lights,
Holding up the traffic in the town.

I'm sure sure he's really worth it,
Making yourself look real cheap,
I'm sure he tells you that he loves you,
When your bent over in a heap.

chorus
But I've just got one thing to say,
And I don't mean to be crass,
But honey he ain't be lovin' you,
He's just been fucking you in the ass.

I'm sure he does the same to a minger,
Or even a beached whale,
And once he's done (you know his kind)
Well he's just gonna bail.

chorus
Oh I've just got one thing to say,
And I don't mean to be crass,
But honey he aint be lovin' you,
He's just been fucking you in the ass.

[Extra Bonus Verse! a-la Gareth Brooks...]
Ohh, you now have the AIDS!


I wrote this on the way home from TESCO one afternoon a few months back. I saw a woman at a stop light lashing the creams and powders onto her face, oblivious to the fact that the lights had since changed to green. She eventually got a few beeps from the drivers in cars behind hers. I wondered about her background; where was she going at such a hour and why was she in such a rush to get her face ready. It could have been for any reason, but I decided she was heading off meeting up with some langball she was trying to impress. I began to sing. I was neither angry nor pernicious, just jovial, and by the time I had gotten home, I had most of the lyrics worked out.

The idea for Daniel O'Donnel singing it came last week.

Irish Banksy

Irish Burgalar!

Daniel O'Donnell

[Daniel O'Donnell wiki] [more pics here]

Stephen Gately & Jan Moir walked into a bar... a gay bar of course!

I wanted to write something on the whole Stephen Gately death Vs. Jan Moir "all gays are evil" thing. I couldn't think of anything other than the comment I left on Stephen Spillane's blog about the article. And it's been sitting me my drafts forlder all this time, annoying me. So rather than delete it, I published it instead. The original article by Jan Moir can be read here.

"lol that article is fabulous darling… Holy fuck! I just realised something!!! Freddie Mercury was gay and he died of AIDS!!! My god, if only he were straight, he’d still be alive today (because straight people live forever!)…. oh why why why Freddie, why did you have to choose to be all gay… Stephen please I beg you, keep away from the gayness… As Freddie might have sang… “Too much gayness will kill you in the end”

Stephen Gately died unnaturally? Well fuck me (not literally of course, I don’t want to die young from the gayness) I always assumed every death was natural. If I cut my wrists and bleed out, is that death any more unnatural than dying from a burst blood vessel in the head. What about a stroke caused by a blood clot as opposed to a lump of cholesterol that broke free after building up from years of fatty burger ingestions… what if the clot broke free during a bout of E taking? Unnatural indeed…. I reckon Jan Moir likes it up her bottom, which is totally “natural”, because she’s not a man. Not that I really care where she sticks cans of lager of course…"

Infinite Potifications

[UPDATE 22.11.09] In a strange twist, Der Fuhrer looks like he's taking the micky out of Mr. O'Brien.



[more on Alan O’Brien]

My First Wax

I guess my first ever vinyl would have to be Queen's "A Kind Of Magic". I still clearly remember my father handing me this '45 vinyl single in 1986. It was released in March of 1986 so I must have only been 4 at the time. I remember not being able to understand why The Kurgan (Clancy Brown) pictured on the sleeve wasn't Freddie Mercury. It took me a few years to comprehend that it wasn't. I was always fascinated with the texture effect on the purple areas which looked like little cut pieces of hair. I still get a weird vibe looking at the photo used. Not a Highlander feel, more a "He-Man and Skeletor", or "Conan The Barbarian" thing.

The first vinyl I bought myself came many years later in 2006. I bought a factory test pressing of Jon Lord's 1976 album, "Sarabande", on Ebay. Sarabande is one of my most favorite albums ever, and I think the artwork is quite nice. After that I bought up a good few other records. For a time I was collecting albums which featured artwork painted by HR Giger. I have these sleeves hanging up in my hall. Haven't bought any vinyl in a while.

Just found this photo's lying around in a draft post, felt like putting some words to them :)

Something Went Wrong With Youtube

I don't think Quincy Jones did the music on this one.

Muhammad Was A Paedophile

While we thought calling Pat Kenny a "fat cat" on RTE was explosive last Monday night, Italian politician Daniela Santanchè told it as she sees it: "Muhammad had nine wives, the last was a 9-years-old child. Muhammad was a polygamous and a paedophile" [08.11.2009]

[via]

"Flight Of The Reindeer" - Victoria Reynolds

The art of meat... [more paintings by Victoria Reynolds]

Gammastradamus Strikes Again!

Back in May, I came across this story about kangaroo in Australia with a bolt from a crossbow lodged through its face. I can only assume a scumbag-yobbo did it because no one in their right mind would try to dispatch a kangaroo by shooting it in the head with a crossbow... unless it's in a computer game. Yes, the third post on this blog back in 2005 was a picture of a kangaroo I shot in the head with a crossbow in Atari's "Deer Hunter 2005". A great game back in the day. A reward of AUS$10,000 was offered to anyone who identified those responsible, I wonder if anyone ever collected.

What I can never understand is how aggressive people get over deer hunting games: "Oh you sick cunt, shooting defenceless animals!" Yes, defenceless "virtual-animals"... you know, ones that aren't real (then again Bambi, wasn't real either and people still weep in their pants over that) "Oh man, you're fucked up if you like that shit"... I guess, but maybe you should worry more about the "brilliant" award-winning multi-million dollar selling... a billion users online at anyone time.. Grand Theft Auto series, where the aim of the game is to kill humans by shooting, and mashing them up with your car.

Those people who get upset watching a dog get killed in films annoy me too. They often freely admit their hypocrisy "I don't mind watching a person get killed [fuck them, they deserved it for being human] but I don't want to see anything happening to the poor [little] dog[gy woggy]". Anyway this has nothing to do with the post really, just a general observation.

Actually, the only reason for this post is to highlight another case of life imitating gammagoblin.