Why There Will Never Be A Revolution In Modern Ireland

The One Were I Play A Special Request

If you petition the Gammagoblin it may very well work and you will have your content/story/underpants exposed on Riemann's Cut. There will be a price to this of course, not a monetary price no, but something far worse. I'm still not sure what that means but I'll be sure to let you know if it involves some form of lubrication.

I got an email full of praise and admiration, which fell just short of offering me a blowjob, if I included the video above, in a blog post. I very nearly just deleted this message as I often get generic spam from Youtube. These spam Youtube videos usually have some sort of new-age Jesus theme, or are from young teenage girls. For security reasons I always investigate the latter type, just in case, you know. This was different though, this was an email from Rob Carlyle!

I couldn't believe it! Actor, Rob Carlyle had emailed me about some video he wanted me to promote. I rushed through the body of the message and the truth slowly dawned on me, this wasn't "StarGate Universe" star Rob Carlyle but some random Irish Joe, Rob Carlile. He outlined how he had produced the little song above and was very proud of the idea to create a tune based on the safety announcement made on Bus Eireann buses. He also explained how annoyed he was that the idea was already ripped-off by someone he showed it to and was now seeking revenge!

Well I'll have no part of your revenge schemes, let me that state that right now! You'll have to do your own dirty work, Mr. Rob Carlile! And I will offer full co-operation to members of the An Gardai Na Siochans, if they so request it. I know that most people's idea of "revenge" is different than mine, and does not involve festooning the persons living room with their bowels, in front of their children, but you can never know for sure.

I never do anything for free, as I already mentioned, so I am getting my pound of flesh from this video. I think the song is pleasant enough, but I'd go back and re-record the "doors opening" clip. It sounds like a recording a KGB officer would have made of the US president during the cold war, from 3 miles away, in a submarine. Don't be afraid of Bus Eireann employees, you own them. If you want to throw everyone off the bus and set up a sophisticated recording equipment, you can. It was written into the constitution when NAMA took over. Also that drumming pattern is very old fashioned. It reminds me of when I was in 2nd Year, around 1995.

Well, I hope this blog post helps in your pursuit to become famous, Mr. Rob Carlile. I really don't know why you asked me to display the video here though. My own videos barely get more than 10 views. If you really want national coverage you should direct all further offers of feltching sessions towards Big Mental Disease. BMD get's played by Ray d'Arcy on national radio every day. The most I ever got was to make Vincent Browne nearly choke on his tea when a tweet of mine was read out on tv in front of him.

Enda Kenny

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Illustrated Stories From The Bible

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Dear God

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

 The letter read:

Dear God, 

I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. 

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. 

Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me? 

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:

Dear God, 

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? 

Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. 

By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office. 

Sincerely, Edna

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"Are You In Love" - Automatic Pilot

I forgot I uploaded this video in 2010 and never posted it here. If it weren't for some silly hashtag thing on Twitter just now, I wouldn't have even thought of it. Here's my blurb from the video's Youtube description:

"Automatic Pilot perform "Are you In love." The audio on the original recording was quite thin and poor so I overdubbed the audio with another live performance taken from their "Live In Broadway" album and edited the video to roughly match. Some of the original audio is left on the soundtrack to keep it sounding "open" and "live". At the very least, it makes for an ad hoc music video. Copyrights (1982) owned by Karl Brown & Matthew McQueen."

Enjoy some of the finest classic 1980's Erotic Jazz Wave you will ever hear!

Meanwhile In New Zealand

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David Norris: Hung Like A Carcass

High Resolution Photography

A dichotomy has formed between technology, and the obsession with perfection. On one hand we want a dehumanising levels of flawless blemish free skin, as smooth as plastic or porcelain. Hours are spent in digital darkrooms, airbrushing away our biological markers, and yet, camera resolutions keep increasing, allowing us to see finer and finer details. Ironically, as we enter deeper into the Ultra High Definition world, and resolution depths increase, we will once again look towards fine details and "imperfections", for it's these imperfections that will bring a new level of realism to our viewing pleasure.

[ Download High Resolution Photography.mp3 ]

High resolution photography,
Increased spectral allure.
A new viewing fetish
For the modern voyeur.

Fine details bring intimacy,
Megapixels see more.
The pleasure is in zooming,
A view into every pore.

Digital existence,
The body superceeded.
Imperfections sought after,
Perfection not needed.

Traversing the landscapes,
Through pixelated mesh.
This is our life now,
Long live the new flesh.

Words, music, and thoughts conjured after watching Tron:Legacy (2010). Image: 640x640 crop of this 34MP photograph.

George Hook And The Great Animated GIF Experiment

Dear reader,

Please stare at the looping gif image and listen to the music provided [dopplereffekt gesamtkunstwerk].

How does it make you feel? Do you have an increased sense of self worth? Increased apathy? Suicidal, perhaps? If I said the word "Erogenous", do you see the colour purple? If you have the equipment at home, take a measurement of the serotonin levels in your blood; I think you'll find that they have increased.

Write down your reports and send them to Dr. James O'Reilly, Fine Gael Offices, Dail Eireann.

Your government loves you.
Enda "Jesus" Kenny.

Spanish State Police - Forensics

"Dying to know"

Not sure if this is an official patch or not. [via]

The Best Phone In The Universe (Mk. 1)

There it is, a beauty is it not. It merges the best of all possible worlds: a modified Nokia 7110 running Android. I've chosen the body of the best phone ever made for ergonomics. This is still the only phone that I've ever owned where texting was a joy and not a trapeze act for my fingers to go through, where the eventual outcome is a complete state of spastic digits. It has that "Maxtric" flip-down part you see, which not only looked cool but if gave your bottom fingers something to grip while your thumb did it's textual magic. The concept is much the same as a violinist holding the violin with their chin and not their hand.

Not only was the 7110 the most comfortable phone to use, it was also a true milestone in mobile telecommunication technology, much more so than any Apple iPoop. But things have move on since the failure of the WAP crap. We have full internet on our phones for some years now, and we need an OS that can handle full colour pornography, so that's where Android comes in. I don't care too much for apps but it all has to be Open and Free.

Since this is only visual, I thought I might include some other proposed specs: it has a touchscreen of course. Multi touchscreen in fact, capable of tracking 11 fingers. An Intel i7 chipset, running at 7ghz. Power is provided by an old Soviet Union technology: a 5v micro-Chernobyl battery, with a 3 hour Fukushima redundancy chip. The whole unit will be generously cooled via technology originally invented by the Mayans.*

As you can see from the title, this is only the first version. A mk 2 is planned, which will finally solve the problem present with all mobile phones: they are all upside down.

* This paragraph should be taken with a pinch of salt, twice daily...