"Hey Kim! Can I Rape Your Lips?"

"Clearasil* May cause sudden bursts of megalomania, manifesting in sexual assault."

I spotted this on TV a couple of weeks back. Very surprised considering how much they've tightened up on advertising recently, you know, the kind of "Don't show a woman in a kitchen or we'll be sued" attitude. Dominating women sexually is still fine though.

[See also: Lynx: "Flunitrazepam in a can!"]

My Back Garden Is Now Illegal

So there I was minding my own business, cutting the grass out in the back garden when I spotted a little pile of diced up mushrooms which I hadn't noticed before I ran the lawnmower over them. I thought nothing of it, after all, there's nearly always a mushroom or two growing in a garden, but suddenly my attention was arrested. I noted the staining on the stems. Now if Terence McKenna has thought me anything, it's that mushrooms that bruise blue are [in general] for the win! And likewise, mushrooms that stain yellow are [in general] for the loose!

Mary Harney, in all her "gigantic" wisdom, decided that the number one issue involving the Irish health care system was the use of "evil" magic mushrooms. Magic mushrooms do after all, kill more people in Ireland every year than cancer... in fact, magic mushroom give you cancer. All cancer is caused by magic mushrooms... and magic mushrooms give you AIDS too! In 2006, after a single man died from skulling a lethal dose of alcohol and gulping down all kinds of fungus he found growing in his rubbish bin, Mary Harney pushed through a law that not only banned the sale of magic mushrooms but it also banned the indiginous growth of shrooms throughout Ireland! And she managed to do it in a single week! Meanwhile the HSE is falling apart and all we get is the same old fucking "well, making changes takes time" bullshit!

So I'm wondering, should I should go to my local Garda station and report the illicit activities that my garden is engaged in? If I did, might you say I was "grassing it up"? heehee :) Technically I was actually breaking the law in the above pic as I was "in possesion" of a controlled substance, on the same level as heroin or cocaine. But hey, as long as the Guards don't find my "Josef Fritzl" styled basement, I'm laughing!

Tim Exile live session on Rob Da Bank, BBC Radio 1

Considering the fact that I seem to have watched this vid a couple of times every week since Tim uploaded it to YouTube, I decided I might as well include it in a post here. Still only 5000 views, after a month? Very sad!

I already mentioned it on Twitter when it appeared first. I thought it might have gone under the radar but I was delighted when Donncha O'Caoimh liked it so much that he re-tweeted it. What I originally said on Twitter was "Watch a music-magician conjure a tune out of thin air!" and the vid doesn't need any more of a description! Just watch it, it's fucking epic! Tim's vocals are always the shit!

My favorite part is 4:38... awesome scutter noises and dirty hip shaking!

[Posts about Tim Exile]

Condom-Mary Spotted By Holy Tree Stump

An eagle-eyed reader (me, no one else cares) has spotted the previously mentioned "condom-Mary" at the site of Holy Tree stump! The similarities are 100% and without doubt, even the figure of the infant Jesus is in the right position. This is very improbable and must indeed mean everything in the Bible is true, and possibly it heralds Armageddon. This is breaking news, keep refreshing, I'll let you know if I see the Apocalypse coming over the horizon.

Holy Mary, Mother Of Fucking Christ

Two big events in Irish current affairs: A tree stump that looks like an image of Holy Mary, and a rushed in new constituional amendment strengethening the laws around blasphemy. I love this country, seriously wonderful fucking place to be living in. Oh look, there's a leprechaun over there, to be sure to be sure!

I don't know if the condom-Mary is an old idea or not (the internet has a way of usurping my command of originality) but you gotta admit, it's fucking uncanny! I thought of it during the week and I was going to setup a photoshoot of a condom myself but I happened to find this nice pic already done (apparently that's just spittle in the tip). All I did was rotate the image, the rest is completely untouched. You can view the original here. Jesus is on the wrong side but he's definitely in the condom, sitting in the arms of the Madonna (join me in a chorus of "Like A Virgin").

This post, titled around the idea of copulating Jesus is of course totally un-blasphemous. A "fucking Jesus" is a core belief of Gnostic Christianity. So I'm not actually setting out to offend anyone (as stipulated in the new constitutional rules), rather I'm just commenting on Gnostic beliefs. Gnosticism totally rocks by the way, it's full of ritualistic anal sex!

Want to buy a house?

Bizarre advertising spotted by Miriam Ryan in this mornings Metro newspaper. I think the underlying sexual tension was a bit too subtle, so I made a few amendments to make the message a bit clearer.

[original supplied by Rachel Morrogh via Damien Mully]

Google.ie Just Got A Whole Lot Sexier

For a few moments I was fapping hard to Google.ie, but then they fixed it. Eircom, they make the interwebs moar fun, for the lulz, and the fappingz!

Banking Online Usability Fail

Back in college, when I first started handling "exceptions" in my programming, I used to sometimes get it wrong and use a handler that was too general on the outside of the method and it would catch any and all exceptions thrown before specific handlers inside the method could act. This led to some rather wooly error messages, like "You fail, you n00b!" I soon realised how to deal with exceptions correctly however and any exceptions thrown at runtime became clear.

It now appears that I was wrong however. In the real world of business, nobody goes into detail when handling errors. In fact, I think the above pic probably illustrates a very generous amount of detail of the problem encountered: It was a problem with the "digital certificate" after all. Oh hurrah, I should feel so lucky that it wasn't just "a problem" with the whole system that I had to figure out. Well I'm counting my fucking blessings right now...

Brain Music

Gizmodo has a cool article about a Connecticut scientist who has translated various MRI images of the human brain into MIDI resulting in eerie ambient 'music'. Changes in brain activity are created through the use of various stimuli and custom software allocates specific note values to different parts of the brain. Thus, when different parts of the brain are stimulated, different series of notes are triggered. [via Waveformless]

But what if you could translate brain scans in to music in real time, and had the volunteer listen back to the music that was being created. What would happen? Would you eventually get some kind of mad recursive fractal tune as the brain figured out what was happening, or would you just get random noise? Yeah, I going with random noise too :(

Sylvia Ji {art}

I love this woman's work; it's like Gothic Voodoo Gustav Klimt! Rich with modern graphic design elements but executed with old world techniques. Gold leaf is used to perfection. Her work, so archaically sexual, like an antique dildo shod in gold; so decadently beautiful, like a cut flower left to die. Wonderful!

Sylvia Ji's Website


[via]

Australians Invent Perpetual Motion

Gerry Gainford was looking at the Irish Independent website today when he spotted an ad for a device which promised free energy forever!

A Zero point magnetic power generator is basically a Free Energy Generator. It uses magnets, and magnetic force to induce perpetual motion. It runs by itself, indefinitely without stopping, thus creating completely free electrical energy, which can fully power your home for free. A Perpetual motion device refers to a machine that runs perpetually i.e. indefinitely, and produces a larger amount of energy than it consumes. Thus, it produces free energy indefinitely, runs by itself, without having to need a third-party device or resource to power it.

Magniwork is a Australian invention which has promised to do all this magic; crikey! I gotta order me up one of these jobbies; fucking ESB robbing us blind! Oh but hang on a second, I spy with my little eye something beginning with FRAUD! I didn't see that one coming.

Apparently the plans you buying to build this [omega] device, are packed with little energy saving titbits, and thats how you end up saving money on energy costs. The device itself was originally a based on a plagerised version of Bedini SG circuit. Fuck sake, and there I was thinking it was some sort of "Fucks-Capacitor" [I did a quick google for "fucks-capacitor to see if anyone else ever thought of it, there were a few, but one was connected to a reddit page "Is there actually any way whatsoever to make my dick bigger". Alas, much like a perpetual motion device, it's probably impossible].

Oh one thing I just noticed with Gerry's blog, he has arranged his links in such a way to provide extra lulz. No matter what way you arrange it, "eating shit" always appears somehow. Genius!

AST Keyboard

It looks like "keyboard pics" is going to be a regular feature (well as long as I keep finding old keyboards anyway... maybe after that I'll ask for pictures to be sent in from viewers, a kind of "readers wives" affair).

This grubby little beauty comes off of my first ever PC, an AST 486 Advantage! (DX CPU I think). The Commodore was older but it wasn't originally mine. The rest of the computer is long gone (although I think the screen might be still floating somewhere). There are so many memories associated with that AST machine. "Memories" is an apt word really as I was always plagued with memory problems. The thing had 4mb ram but games always wanted more "upper memory" free. Nowadays I'd just google the solution but back then I had condemned myself to weeks of desperately runing a DOS program called "memmaker" in a futile hope that more "upper memory" would magically free up. Creature Shock was one such game. Some time later when I upgraded and finally got a chance to play it, I really wondered why I bothered, as Creature Shock is classed as one of the worst games ever made.

The AST Research Inc. company itself is long gone now too. The name AST came from the initials of the 3 co-founders, and as far as I can remember, there was a video of one of them introducing the machine when you started it up for the first time. It was some dude with a mustache anyway. The machine was bought on one of those ESB hire purchase things back in the mid 1990's. I can still remember the ad in the newspaper. There was a selection of softwares that came with it on cd-rom's. MS Encarta, MS Cinemania, MS Golf... and an AST multimedia cd-rom. Oh god I loved that AST disc, it had the cheesiest music ever. I'd love to have a copy of it again!

Some final notes: I remember when AST sponsored Aston Villa football club in the mid 90's, and Commodore once supported Chelsea. What was with computer manufacturers sponsoring football back in the 1990's? The AST PC was the first computer I played Doom on, such precious memories surround that, with the glorious Soundblaster16 (genuine)FM music, ah yes good times indeed :)

Other featured Keyboards: [Commodore] [Digital] [Nokia]

An Irish Summer: defined

I saw this on my iGoogle homepage just now... everyone join in for the Irish Summer anthem "rain and sun, rain and sun" now for the chorus "high humidity and chilly temperatures, death from Pleurisy in an Irish Summer, rain and sun!". I guess I might feel a little homesick if I was whoring it up by a poolside in Spain somewhere... well, I might anyway.

Shrapnel {art}

I've built up a few "Art" related draft posts and I decided to start firing off a few over the next meanwhilst. I'm starting with a piece called "Shrapnel" by Polish DevientArt member OmeN2501. I usually don't go for this kind of stuff, and I'm often fairly dubious of the way women are sometimes used in fantasy art, but this one caught my eye. The colour, the lighting, the pose, the framing and arrangement are all doing it for me. The hand in the foreground is major win.

Some will complain about the artists use of photographs as reference to elements of his work. I used to feel like that about art too, but then I grew up. A lot of peoples opinion of art is based upon how well one can draw something; how realistic it looks. It's been over 130 years since Monet's "Sunrise" and we're still obsessed with bashing those who don't draw a photo-realistic picture, from eye to pen alone. People look at my old drawings and paintings and tell what a "wonderful artist" I am. When I ask why do they feel that way they tell me it's because the drawings look so realistic. Looking realistic is pointless if it's just a carbon copy of a real world scenario, thats what we invented cameras for. Thats what I like about this digital painting. Through whatever means, the artisit has created a realistic image but it's totally of his own imagination, and indeed that's what fantasy art is mean't to be all about: bringing the fantastical to life!

He has many more paintings for you to enjoy at his own DevientArt gallery but his work is also featured here, on abduzeedo.com. You might find some others of interest. Like I said though, this isn't my usual cup of vodka.

[via]

Spooky Video

There's something spooky about this video, can you spot it :)

[via]

For Your Consideration: The Two Josephs

Now I'm not one to judge a book by it's cover, but I'm going to go out on a limb with this one. If your name's Joseph and you look like the devil, you probably shouldn't be left in charge of kids.

[Pictured: Josef Fritzl & Joseph Jackson (Michael Jacksons Father, whom is reported to have severely abused Michael physically and mentally as a child)]

My Cock Ring

A while back I have a "guess the object" compitition, which turned out to be a rather uncomfortable looking Cock-Ring. At the time of revealing what it was I had the idea that I could tack on images of my own design "improvements". I decided not to bother even though I had the images already taken and the video shot.



As you can it, it's quite a snug fit, and it case it's still a bit loose, you can always tighten the "love pinchers" to achieve your preferred level of sensation...



... no matter how intense you want that sensation to be.



Crappy video with crappy effects. I was going to put some spooky Art Zoyd music over the top...

[Some points to note: Carrigaline was thinking along the same lines, but for thrifty reasons... nitro2k01 reminded me about the pics in his post about a different kind of cock ring]

Star Trek: TNG - Interactive Board Game

I found this in the attic over Christmas. "Interactive" board games were all the rage back in the mid 90's. Basically you ran the included tape while you played the game and the character on screen would give instructions that altered the game play. "Athmosfear" was the first if I'm not mistaken, certainly the most famous Video-Board game. Very privative stuff, but I guess it seemed cool back then.



I think I played this game once or twice (literally) before moving on to something else. Everything is still there and except for the box, which is a bit scuffed, it's all in pretty excellent condition. The quality of the tape is still fairly ok but the sound got a bit messed up. There's some serious over acting on it by Robert O'Reilly (who played Gowron in TNG and DS9), but it's all good campy Star Trek fun.



In the clip, you see a star field with a timer counting down. Pretty obvious why thats there. Then the klingon Kavok(O'Reilly) who's hijacked the Enterprise comes on screen and demands that the player who's currently active must "experience Bij" which is basically an instruction to pick up a Bij card that acts as a luck variable. Oh how terrificly fun it sounds I know.

Taken (2008)

Shit hot movie! Liam Neeson is totally badass in it. He pulls off the Jason Statham action-hero, but with more substance. Totally non-PC film, which is so fucking refreshing. He kills more people than Rambo, and doesn't give a fuck about it. He's even shooting innocent women at one stage. All the action and moves are totally sharp, very rarely does he loose the upper-hand, which is unusual in todays movies. All we ever seem to get are protagonists who are getting the shit kicked out of them for 10 minutes and then suddenly they find this "magic power" and kill the "bad guys" in 5 seconds right at the end. None of that muck here! Just a lot of neck snapping and head banging... yehaw!

Wimpy people criticise the film makers for Neeson's character ignoring the plight of the other "trafficked" women. The man went off to save his daughter, he wasn't fucking Jesus you know. What did you want, a 90 minute ad for Amnesty International? Fuck sake! No, totally fantastic film.

Michael Jackson: 1958 - 2009

I followed the whole thing on Twitter, as it happened! Minutes after the first Tweets proclaiming his death were confirmed I created (possibly) his first MS Paint tribute! Some other choice images appeared too:

I found this picture of a woman displaying her shock at the news of Jacksons death, over here: [yfrog.com/i/b5b.jpg]

And pedobear grieves with the rest of us.....

The weird thing about following the story over on Twitter was how a fake story of his death was spread first (using one of those fake news site generators) and then shen he died the real news stories filtered through. The Raw Feed has a view on it.

Michael Jackson: troubled, disturbed, dead, misunderstood... but pretty awesome at the same time.