I'm Sorry About What I Did To Your Pussy

Dear Sir,

It is with great regret to inform you that I believe I have killed your cat by accident yesterday evening. I am dreadfully sorry about this. It happened when I was reversing my ride-on lawnmower out of my garage to get better access to the blades underneath, which needed sharpening. I believe the recent humid weather has had an extreme blunting effect to tempered metal.

Until yesterday I was not aware that you even owned a cat but upon close inspection the cats remains, it bares an uncanny resemblance to you so I am without doubt to the identity of it's owner. I would be delighted to return the cats body to you at your soonest convenience. If you would rather deal with the remains on your own, you can find them in the ditch, next to Frank Tanner's gate (to the left had side). You can't miss it, it's just behind a clump of hemlock (I also marked the spot with an old choc-ice wrapper I saw lying around).

The cats body was in quite good condition the last time I saw it and I'm sure if you retrieved it quickly, it will still be in a good enough to have it stuffed. By co-incidence, my wife's cousin is a very well trained taxidermist and if you wish I can you his number. I will of course ask for you to receive a discount in the charge, it is the least I can do.

Again I am very sorry about all this. Rest assured your cat did not suffer at all during the incident. I was very quick to dispatch it with a nearby length of garden hose when I saw its face trapped under one of my wheels.

If there is anything else I can help you with, please let me know!

Kind regards,
George Chaversmith.