Oh how I do love thee,
The schlock and the filigree.
Valentines day comes but once a year,
But some can't cum, at all.
Ding ding ding... it's Valentines day, and you know what that means! Lies! Loads of mother fucking lies will be told today. "Oh I luv you baby. Im neva gonna cheat on you; again! And I promise if I do, it will be with a human this time!" I have a history of not being the most festive when it comes to this day, you can check for yourself here, here & here.
But that doesn't mean I'm not romantic, oh no sir! Your honor, I would like, if I may, to call Screamin' Jay Hawkins as a witness. Screamin' in the following video sums up exactly what love is, in fact, it was this very routine that I wooed my last girlfriend with. She's dead now but they still haven't found the body.
Sing it Hawkins!
I love you, I love you in-the-anahihnaihana-anyhow,
I don't care if you don't want me,
I put a spell on you,
Cos you're mine!
And possession is nine tenths of the law, remember that children! If you liked that video, please check out the alternate version which is far more spooky but misses out on some of the finer moments. Lots of hoodoo-voodoo though!
So let me guess, you're reading this and forgot it was St. Valentino's day. You're fucked now cos you didn't buy your significant other anything. Well have no fear, the gammagoblin is
May I tempt you with a new single from wife-killer Eamonn Lillis? Don't let the wife-killer part put you off, he's genuinely remorseful for beating his wife to death with a brick, and to try and make amends he's released a cover of Beyonce's "Single Ladies" song, with all profits going to the prevention of domestic violence.
"Single Gentlemen" will have you bopping along and soon you too will be singing the refrain "If you liked it then you shouldn't have put a brick on it". Not for you eh? Well how about... "Weight Training" by Joe O'Reilly. Joe guides you through the correct methods of using dumbbells, with and without weights. No? Ok my final idea for you:
The Joy of Sex, the Josef Fritzl edition.
Hey at least I'm not trying to sell you overpriced flowers and cards and fluffy polyester filled shit, to enrich that sense "completeness" with your loved one. Love doesn't come pre-packaged with a barcode (unless it's plastic love, but that's a whole different story!). Just ignore today, embrace forever! Und bitte... du mußt vermeiden, die Krankheiten!