Just a few odds and ends to finish up the Halloween posts...
Ok so, you find yourself dead, what do you do about it. Well most people get buried in a grave with a big old headstone at the top of it, but what happens when that headstone gets dirty? Sandblast it? Nonsense! Just get yourself some of this magic "Headstone Cleaner". What makes this especially for headstones and not just normal stones is a trade secret. Of course if you're dead you probably don't care either way. [image via cloudsteph]
But what if you don't like the notion of worms biting your bum in the ground after you die, and being left on the mantle piece as an ashtray doesn't appeal to you either, you could always try this. The Geek Muse informs us that we can have our ashes turned into vinyl records!
"If you ever worry about how to continue the legacy of your awesomeness after you have shuffled off this mortal coil, then I may well have found the perfect send-off for you.
UK-based company And Vinyly will press your cremated ashes into a vinyl recording playing a track of your choice, a vocal message or simply your own silent pops and crackles for your friends and family to remember you by.
The basic package (£3000) includes a 30 disc pressing of your record, plus an 'R.I.V.' artwork record cover with your name, date of birth and date of death. There are additional services available including backing tracks, ‘bespook’ music, the opportunity to have your record distributed worldwide and FUNerals: a musical send-off led by a team of event organisers. And if you still want to be buried after you cough, And Vinyly accepts cremated body parts in addition to whole cremated bodies.
Shower curtains. Every hates them right? (right!) So why not liven up your wash life by getting one with bloody hand prints. Think of the hilarity you could create by tricking your house mates into thinking you were being murdered. "Help help, the knife is in me, help!" But why stop there. Ladies, men love a woman that can make them laugh so why not purchase the curtain and try this practical joke. While having a shower, shout out to your man: "Darling, I know I never told you but I've been pregnant for the past few weeks.. but it's ok now because I appear to be having a miscarriage." Oh, how he'll laugh. And not for the reasons you think!
Well that's all I have for this year. I hope you enjoyed the stories over the last few days. I'm sorry they were all very Irish-centric. I had many more ideas but just not enough time to create them. They might appear later on. Stay safe, don't put the fireworks into any naughty places.
Freddy Krueger, what a man. Or what a character, to be correct about the matter. He is still my favorite anti-hero, since becoming that in the late 1980's. His claim to fame is of course killing children; young and old! Often maligned and misunderstood to be a child molester, this isn't actually true [expect for the 2010 reboot, but we'll get to that later]. Fred would terrorise with perversion but he was only interested in killing the kiddies. And he dealt out these post-birth abortions with extreme prejudice.
Speaking of abortions, I watched the 2010 remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street a while back. I went into it with an open mind. I've gotten used to so many changes to the Krueger character over the years that I was genuinely looking forward to seeing what they had come up with. Also it was just nice to see another Nightmare on Elm Street film again. In short, I wasn't all that impressed. Most disappointingly Krueger was only a pale imitation of his former self.
So what was so great about previous versions of the man. Well mostly it was down to his portrayal by the actor, Robert Englund. Between all the various Nightmare on Elm Street films and spin-offs Englund has managed to provide a great range of Krueger incarnations. While a lot of people don't like the cheesey one-liner Krueger seen in the later films, I think most will agree that the man owned the screen whenever he made an appearance. Englund is a complete actor; his protrayal of Krueger by body language alone, was perfect in every scene. Charasmatic, but viscous.
I watched all the films again this week for this post so very quickly I'm going to run through each of them with my opinions and info and stuff...
The first of the series and regarded by most people to be the best film. It's certainly a classic! I still think it has one of the most athmospheric opening credit sequences in film history, where it shows Krueger making his infamous "finger-blade glove." It's been a few years since I've watched all the films back-to-back and I don't know what it is but, Heather Langenkamp was really "doing it for me" this time around. Early imprinted childhood memory thing, or just the way the cookie is crumbling now? Who knows and who cares!
This is the first of the Nightmare films that I saw. I remember picking up a VHS copy of it in HMV in Dublin when I was 8 or 9 and asking my mother to get it for me. There was a bit of humming and hawing but eventually it was bought. Watching it now again the obvious "Homosexual" undercurrents to this movie come to light. It seems the protagonist struggled with his sexuality as much as he struggled with Freddy.
This was the first film that introduced me to the series. Even though I saw part 2 first, it was seeing the trailer for this in the cinema that sparked my interest. I haven't a clue what film I went to the cinema to see, but I will never forget this trailer for Part 3 that they showed. I think the version I saw had the Sugar Plum Fairy music over the top instead of the singing though.
Part 4 is when the series "changed" for myself and for a lot of others. This change in feel is called the "MTV effect." Krueger became more of a comedian also. He was always inappropriately funny, but this time around he's cracking jokes all over the place. The dream sequences become OTT now too, not OTT in a bad way though. The still above is from the notorious pizza with meatball-heads scene.
This film for me in the dullest in the series. It feels more like half hearted attempt at extending the 4th film for another 90minutes. The idea and execution of the Krueger child is also annoying. It does have good shots like the animation above though.
Freddy's Dead is the only Nightmare film I got to see in the cinema. Part of it was filmed in 3D and I still have the 3D glasses I got when I went to see it. This film ramps up Freddy's comedic element to 100% and turns the movie into a complete horror/comedy. I think this works the best of the last three films, mainly because Englund is hilarious with his slapstick routines.
Everytime I start to watch this film I get excited at the premise behind it: the original actors, playing themselves being stalked by a "real" incarnation of Freddy Krueger. That means in the story even Robert Englund is suffers torment at the hands of this "new" Krueger. Unfortunately there are no scenes of Englund and Krueger together. I loved this film when I saw it first years ago but it's slowing dawning on me how flawed it really is. They had an opportunity to make a really viscous and cold and dark Krueger but instead he's cracking one liners again. And the atrocious child actor who ruins every scene in this movie by annoying us so much, serves to remind us why we all secretly love the Freddy. Ok so, it's not a terrible movie but the premise behind it is really what saves it.
In between the films there were two seasons of "Freddy's Nightmares" created. These episodes were basically a kind of dreamscape Twilight Zone affair, where Freddy was rarely involved directly with the stories but he did host each episode, much like how the Crypt Keeper does in "Tales from the Crypt." These were always very cheesey, but quite spooky at the same time. Often completely surreal. "Funny Freddy" was in full flight in the show, as you probably can tell from the animation above.
Freddy Vs. Jason (2003)
I don't like cross-over films, no matter how well they're made. I have nothing to say about this except that I enjoyed it. It was good to see Freddy again after an almost 10 year hiatus. The first image in the post is a promo shot for the film.
So now we get to the Nightmare on Elm Street "reboot". As I mentioned, I was actually looking forward to this even if Englund wasn't involved. So I sat and began to watch. It started really well. Snappy and gorey, "excellent" I thought. After the opening credits though, it starts to go downhill fast. It's a typical modern Hollywood film: cold and uninteresting. Then Krueger appears. Oh lord what a shambles. I don't know if Jackie Earle Haley is a good actor or not in general but in this he's abysmal. And the voice? Ha ha ha "evil" by numbers stuff. Not just a poor Krueger but he seems totally cramped in the roll; his actions, slow and still.
A lot of this is down to the burn make-up prosthetics. I could hardly make out his mouth moving when he spoke. It's all very well being realistic with burns but who said Freddy's appearance was based on the reality of his burns? Freddy was a monster who's appearance was there to scare the dreamer, not to make them feel sympathy for how horrific his injuries are. The film makers totally missed the point with this, something which Robert Englund explains in the included video to the left (it jumps to the specific part in the videos timeline). Englund is very diplomatic in giving his opinion of the film but you can tell he just wants to scream "It's shit! You fucked it up!"
I also think Jackie Earle Haley wasn't built right for the roll. He was too wirey but without the energy you'd expect his to explode with. And I couldn't watch the film without being constantly reminded of the banjo playing inbred hick in "Deliverance" everytime Krueger made an appearance. The similarities are uncanny.
I think Victor Barry nailed it when he said it's all in the eyes, those crazy eyes of Freddy. Freddy barely has any eyes in the new film. As an aside, those "crazy eyes" of his sometimes remind me of Kenny Everett's crazy eyes.
So the film misses the mark when it comes to capturing at least some semblence of the original and that wouldn't be so bad if the film was any good in it's own right. It isn't though. It's dull and boring. Which is a real pity because the film could have been great. And Freddy doesn't just kill children in the new back-story, he puts his willy in them too, because you know, child rape is sexy these days. So why did they remake it? "Highest earning horror remake as of June 2010." There's your answer.
Most fans of the franchise agree that this "fan made" trailer for a remake is the film they would have prefered to see made. And I totally agree, if they made "this" film it would at least make you think "Freddy's back!"
This blog post was part of a series of special posts for Halloween 2010.
What a mammoth blog post! I'ts not my longest post ever but I doubt anyone will be reading all of it anyway... or any of it :)
Disgusted by death,
You stretch back my skin,
Facial tissue tightened,
Till thickness turns thin.
My face now in ribbons,
I wait for the sutury.
Amazing the results,
From voluntary butchery.
Neurotoxic infusion,
My flesh must remain firm,
Pour acid on my blemishes,
To beautify as I burn.
Forever to look youthful,
The rest matters not,
On the outside I am beautiful;
On the inside I rot.
Mood Music...
This blog post was part of a series of special posts for Halloween 2010. Just something I wrote one night a few months ago. I never felt upto posting it but I thought with the day that's in it I might as well lash it out.
Moral chaos: Ireland lays in ruins. Athiests crucifying priests on the streets, drug lords in their Head Shops forcing pills down the throats of 4 year olds, knife crime being committed with samurai swords every 5 minutes... the public, panic stricken, run for their lives. The national tranquiliser that is Joe Duffy's Live Line can barely cope with the volume of calls. Swift measures are made to readdress the balance. Swift, ill conceived measures...
An old television sits in the corner of a darkened room. Suddenly it flickers to life. An image of a man appears and a voice begins to speak...
"We now go live to Dail Eireann, where Minister Ahern is ready to speak with us..... Minister? Can you hear us Minis.... oh dear! Ladies and Gentlemen what tragedy has happened upon Mr. Ahern. It appears someone has cut his head off, and it seems to have been done by one of the very types of swords the Minister outlawed last year to prevent "knife crime"..... wait, wait, I'm getting more news in my arse piece. Extraordinary! Gardai have confirmed that no prosicution will be brought against the perpretraitor of this beheading... because... it's coming through now... because this person is a Muslim and was acting out on a religious Fatwa that was placed on the life of the Minister, and since it was part of his religion to behead the Mr. Ahern, he is protected by the Laws of Blasphemy introduced by the very same Minister... sorry, that should be ex Minister now I guess. Well in this news casters opinion... if that ain't a big old slice of fucking irony I don't know what is. Oh well, I'm off home! And now the weather with Jean Bryne...."
This blog post was part of a series of special posts for Halloween 2010. This post is a work of fiction. References to any truths are purely incidental.
The following a brief extract from a classified transcript of a conversation between two random people, that I found on the internet. Some parts are missing. From what I can make out, the horrors are horrendous!
[...] I was under the impression that Miriam O'Callaghan ate her baby as soon as it popped out of her. The story I heard explained it like this: the child she's claiming to be her own is actually a Vietnamese orphan that RTÉ chiefs bought, to cover up the scandal of her being a cannibal.
Of course this could just be a vicious rumor started by Colette Fitzpatrick over at TV3. She originally wanted to insinuate that Miriam asked Rachel Allen to cook her placenta into a nice omlette (for her to snack on), but then she got overly nasty because... well, as it was put to me: "the full moon beckoned to her womanly aspects, and the red mist came down out of her".
There was always a fierce rivalry between the two tv hosts, you know. I recently saw Collete being asked about the last time she was alone with Miriam. Her face turned ashen and she asked if she could be excused from the rest of the interview. One or two of her TV3 colleagues insist that there are markings on her leg, just above the knee, that weren't there a month ago. They say they look like teeth marks. Others though, such as Mark Cagney, insist that all these rumors are just "the stuff of nonsense".
Also, celebrity economist David Mcwilliams is on the record as saying that Miriam is a "man-eater" but I'm not sure if he mean't that to be taken literally.
But you know what they say, where there's smoke there's fire, or in this case: where there's a placenta there's a fetus.
Bizarre "occult" footage of Miriam, found in the RTÉ vaults. Could it be a clue?
And now that Collette expects a baby of her own in November, the nightmare seems likely to continue, in an exciting sequel no doubt!
This blog post was part of a series of special posts for Halloween 2010. This post is a work of fiction. References to any truths are purely incidental.
"The Picture of Dorian Gray: Part 2" (The Story of Vincent Browne)
The year is 1983, Irish editor Vincent Browne is a man about town. Well respected and handsome, no one is aware of the bizarre secret he carries with him: he is 500 years old.
In the middle of 15th Century, around 1450AD the young Vincent met a Moorish witch on the southern coast of present day Spain. She gave to him a box of magic oil paints which she said would grant immortality to whomever's portrait was painted with them.
Upon his return to Hibernia, Vincent commissioned a local artist to paint his portrait with the oils. At the moment of it's completion, he felt a sudden difference upon him. He was aware that something had changed within him but he couldn't pin it down. To others he appeared more sophisticated, more debonair... gone was his usual mumbling, bumbling self.
The years past swiftly and affably for Browne. His status continued to rise with each incarnation of himself. He was forced to relocate residence and fake his own death every 50 or so years, so as not to raise suspicion. His final incarnation as an immortal was to prove his most pivotal. From 1933 to 1945 he was Chancellor of Germany and gave himself the name: Adolf Hitler. He faked his own suicide in a Berlin bunker in 1945, using the body of his personal physician that died previously in an air raid.
He surfaced once again in Ireland in the mid 1960's where he worked as a Late Late Show researcher. He made a name for himself as a journalist before finally settling down as editor for The Sunday Tribune. Things were going as smoothly as ever for the immortal Browne, but it was 1983 that proved to be his eventual undoing.
1983 was a turbulent year in Irish history. The IRA were still active bombing and murdering. Their reign of terrorizing stretched out to even the animal kingdom, when they killed the racehorse Shergar. IRA leaders believed the horse to be a British informant. Paranoia in Ireland at this time was rife, to say the least. To fund their activities the IRA would often steal valuable paintings and sell them on to foreign collectors. It was during raids that Vincent lost his mystical grasp of eternal existence.
Browne was always careful to store the magic painting in a safe location. Unfortunately for him, this "safe location" had become a point of interest for the IRA. On a frosty winter night, 10 raiders made off with millions of pounds worth of artistry. Ironically the protraint of Vincent was left by the raiders, as they thought it a worthless compostion, and he would have remained immortal if it weren't for the fact that one of the raiders saw fit to take a shit on the canvas. As soon as the two substances met the spell was broken, and Vincent returned once more to the world of mortality.
He now lives out the reminder of his mortal life working for TV3 television. It's a long way from the grandiose lifestyle he experienced as an immortal but he makes do. Must troubling for Vincent is not that old age has finally caught up with him, it's the fact that since the destruction of the painting, he now mumbles and slurs his speech more than he ever did before becoming immortal.
In his spare time, Browne videos himself miming to Buddy Holly songs and puts them up on youtube. Below is an example of one such video...
- Vincent Browne, yesterday.
This blog post was part of a series of special posts for Halloween 2010. This post is a work of fiction. References to any truths are purely incidental.
John Waters reads my blog, I know this for a fact. John wanted to make a change in the appearance of his Mail on Sunday article section one week, so he changed the banner image of himself from a grumpy old man photo, to that of an image of him all genuinely cutesy and cuddly. I made fun of it. The following week, he went back to his old grumpy pic again. That is absolute proof of his visitation here. Well, ok. It's not exactly very substantial, but at least it's more proof than there is for the existence of god.
Ah did you see what done thar? I wrote it as "god", without a capital G. I always do this. I know, I know. It's bad English, right? But then again, so is writing "atheists" instead of Atheists. At least I'm not getting paid to write fucked-up English though.
I didn't want to write about Mr. Waters on this blog again, in case he really was reading and attempted to do a "back trace" on me if my shit got out of hand. You know, he could be very snotty and claim copyright infringement, by me reproducing segments of his and the Mail on Sunday's publications. I also have something nice lined up though, if he attempts to tackle the subject of "Gay Marriage" again, so that might be interesting.
I couldn't resist writing however. Not when I read his piece in the "Mail on Sunday" two weeks ago. It wasn't his views on Atheism that struck me (his views on this matter always make me laugh). No, rather it was his bizarre and vicious attack on women. Even coming from someone with such a poor view of women already (someone should really remind him that Katy French was a woman) this just struck me as odd. Have a read:
I'm beginning to wonder if "the men" should leave other shitty jobs like [par example] opinionated print journalism, to women too. It can hardly be argued that this profession is part of the "stuff that really matters." Perhaps John might like to leave his own little cosy central heated hole, where he writes this bile, and head off down a mine shaft for a few weeks. I'm sure he could manage, he's a man after all.
You might be forgiven for thinking that Mr. Waters is attacking religion in the extract above. If I were to describe the history of mankind's invention of religion, I might write something along the same lines. What he's actually attempting to refer to is the fact that because most of the Chilean miners rescued from the cave in were deeply religious, this somehow proves the existence of god. He comments that the trapped claustrophobic conditions the miners found themselves in, reminded them of their own fragility and therefore need for a "higher power". But what of their mental fragility? All that praying to a god for a miracle proves is that the human will is weak, and relies on the personification of hope to keep it going.
I think this is John Waters attempting to write erotic fiction. I'm pretty sure he was masturbating at the time of writing it anyway.
Finally let me address the "greatness" of the deep routed Christianity found in Chilean culture. Perhaps Mr. Waters might look at the history books and see how this "divine" Christian enlightenment took place. Like most things with Christianity, it involved a lot of raping, plundering and genocide. The Spanish were generous invaders though. Along with biological diseases that they infected the indigenous people with, they also infected the remaining people with the curse of Christianity. Beating the "savagery" out of them; saving their souls. Bless them.
The area of Chile was slow to be conquered as it's lack of gold deposits made it unattractive to the invading Spanish. Perhaps a greater person than me might write something clever that links the plight of the present day Chilean miners with that of the greed for precious metals by the Conquistadors. Perhaps it might go along the lines of asking whether the invading Christians would only send indigenous men down the mines or would they chuck the women down there too. The "dainty little hands" of women might get into spots "burly man hands" couldn't.
I heard Joe Duffy going on about some marsupial who attended a nightclub there recently. I wasn't really paying attention but he had some German circus owner on denying that he was the one that frogmarched the creature into the horrors of an Irish nightclub. I don't know anything else about this story, other than one of the guys there was wearing a thong. I still want to add something to it though, so heres what I'm going to do...
I'm going to give you the same choice Neo in the Matrix had: I'm going to let you choose between a blue and a red pill. Only this time, both will lead to reality. The choice is yours.
After a poor performance, Lindsey Vonn wonders if all of last years wins were a fluke.
Ding, ding, ding! It's Alpine Skiing time of the year again. Yes I know no-one cares but this is my blog bitches! I'll try to keep the blog posts to a minuimum and with plenty of pictures of tight ski-suit clad lady-bottoms so men folk don't get bored. Women and gay men will have to keep themselves entertained.
I'm using the Eurosport Player thingy to follow the events every week. I first started using this at the time of the Winter Olympics earlier in the year. The quality of the live HD stream is stunning, and it's really this that I'm blogging about now.
This Russian woman is hanging onto that microphone for dear life!
You can click on the three images to get an impression of the resolution I view the stream at. The fine details are quite good. Check out the individual frayed hair in the above pic.
The picture above is from a HD ad for clay pidgeon shooting. There is a clear distinction seen when an ad or other content is not in HD format. Once you go HD returning to SD is never the same.
The video above shows an extract of Return To Forever performing "Dual of the Jester and the Tyrant" from their live video "Returns: Live at Montreux". On top of this footage I've layered a melodic spectrogram which I generated* from the audio track using the fabulous piece of open software "Sonic Visualiser." Sonic Visualiser is a truely great audio analysis application, and it's been great aid in many things I've done with music and audio in the past. Well worth checking out if you're anyway involved with music or audio.
In the middle of the frame you'll see some black and white markings. These markings correspond to the 12 notes in a standard Western chromatic scale. They are laid out like you're see on a piano, but the colours are reversed (i.e. black for white and vice-versa). The gray sections refer to "C" notes so they can be used as milestones when investing the notes in the spectrogram.
This video is just a bit of fluff really. If you were really interested in transcribing the notes played, you would just load up the track in Sonic Visualiser and study the notes there, or which is really handy, you can draw on notes over the top of the spectrogram and output them as a continuous midi file.
About the music: I chose this video to use as an example of the melodic spectrogram because the Moog synthasizer really gives a clear sonic pattern to follow (including the modulation and pitch bend changes), and for me nothing says Moog more than Chick Corea. I wish he used one more often these days! Being critical though, I would have used another version of the piece but the "montage video" included on the bonus section of the "Live at Montreux" disc lent itself well to having the spectrogram overlaid on top of it. Plus I was disappointed that this song was omitted from the video of the main performance. I'm not sure why that is, perhaps they weren't happy with the way it sounded on the night.
*NB in case anyone wonders, there is no way to output a video file from Sonic Visualiser directly. I had to create one by screen capturing it with VirtualDub as it played along. This has been sitting in "drafts" since June but with the weekend that's in it (Cork "Diageo" Jazz Festival) I figure it's time it got posted.
While Bill Clinton was still in the White house, serving as President of the USA, it's alleged that he managed to loose the card he was given with the presidential codes for launching a nuclear assault. And it happened around the time of the Monica Lewinsky affair too! I think that Lewinsky woman was a bit like a vacuum cleaner, hoovering up whatever was lying around: cigars, nuclear launch cards, Bill's cock...
No reason, just thought it sounded good. Look at them there, standing together like some kind of sub-aquatic Justice-League. What salty villainy must they deal with on a daily basis. I might have a Wet-Suit Wednesday tomorrow, but that could turn out a bit too perverted; dry-suits are bad enough. Gas-Mask Saturday is still going ahead though.
I saw a Niqabi in Mahon Point shopping centre yesterday. Yep, that's right, a woman wearing the Niqāb. That's the first time I've seen one in Cork. I didn't manage to get a photo so I mocked up the picture above. It's identical in all respects except that she was inside the mall not in front of the overflow carpark... and she was accompanied by two others wearing Hijabs... and the building didn't have Islamic Minarets on the roof... and her eyes weren't that of Scarlett Johansson's... but other than that, it's identical because her veil was brown, just like in the picture!
This is the beginning of the end now. I predict Ireland will become a full Islamic state in 3 to 4 years. Catholicsm here is only hanging on my a thread. Sure what are the rates of Catholicism at the present? Only 88.4%!? My god, it's nearly gone! Support your churches, people, or Allah will doom us all!
In case you're not aware of where or what Mahon Point shopping centre is, I've linked to it on Google Maps below. So now you know exactly where to boycott!
I've included this video I made some months back. I'ts a close approximation of a real Islamic brainwashing and indoctrination video. After watching this video, you may have become a Muslim so watch it at your own peril.
Anyway... I did honestly see a woman wearing a Niqab in Mahon point yesterday, and enjoyed the novelty of it. Unlike others, I don't have a problem with seeing stuff like this in public; I don't feel my existence threatened by it's appearance... although I must say: One does wonder what one would think if one was to witness it becoming a more rampant occurrence though...
"Open the set, and follow a trace. Infinite length, in finite space."
Above is an image I created a few months ago. I was never really happy with it but it seems appropritae that I post it on the day of the the passing of Benoît Mandelbrot, the creator of the Mandelbrot Set. The 4 line "poem" is also something I came up with. It refers to one of the magical properties found in all fractals: that a line between two fixed and absolute boundary points is infinitive in length. This is something I learned while reading about another type of fractal, the "Koch Curve", which makes up the "Koch Snowflake" which can be seen drawn on the blackboard behind Benoît Mandelbrot in the picture below. A little more about the man himself, whom was the first to coin the term "fractal"-
Benoît B. Mandelbrot (20 November 1924 – 14 October 2010) was a French and American mathematician, best known as the father of fractal geometry. He was Sterling Professor of Mathematical Sciences, Emeritus at Yale University; IBM Fellow Emeritus at the Thomas J. Watson Research Center; and Battelle Fellow at the Pacific Northwest National Laboratory. Mandelbrot was born in Poland. His family moved to France when he was a child, and he was educated in France. He was a dual French and American citizen. Mandelbrot spent the latter part of his life living and working in the United States. Mandelbrot died in a hospice in Cambridge, Massachusetts on 14 October 2010 from pancreatic cancer, aged 85. [wikipedia]
The general Late Late Show viewer: "Oh Gay, come back, all is forgiven! I can stand this "Pat The Plank' no more! He's a complete insufferable arsehole, pontificating all over the place. A complete waste of TV Licence money."
Ryan Tubridy (2009 to present) The general Late Late Show viewer: "I don't believe it, this guy is worse than Pat. Pat wasn't so bad after all. Look at this guy, so stiff and unnatural. A complete waste of TV Licence money."
Face the reality of the situation: It's not the host, you just hate the show! After 48 fucking seasons do you not realise this by now? It's broadcast on Friday nights, fantastic Friday nights! Do something else with your time. Go out and have sex with someone, or better still, stay at home and have a wank; the internet is full of pornography now, gas mask porn and everything!
The world and the internet are wonderful places! Remove your incessant gaze from the goggle box. Do something constructive. Write poem, paint a picture, stroke yourself... stop watching that which you obviously hate; your blood vessels will thank you for it.
Shower curtains. Every hates them right? (right!) So why not liven up your wash life by getting one with bloody hand prints. Think of the hilarity you could create by tricking your house mates into thinking you were being murdered. "Help help, the knife is in me, help!" But why stop there. Ladies, men love a woman that can make them laugh so why not purchase the curtain and try this practical joke. While having a shower, shout out to your man: "Darling, I know I never told you but I've been pregnant for the past few weeks.. but it's ok now because I appear to be having a miscarriage." Oh, how he'll laugh. And not for the reasons you think!
