Two important stories for you regarding the celebrity lady-women. First, let me address the phenomenon of Pippa Middleton and the coverage her bum-cheeks have been getting. Headlines like these shocked the world:
"Kate & William's Royal wedding hijacked by Pippa's backside"... "Pippa's lovely lady lumpage"... "You too can have a Pippa-butt stuck to your back with these simple exercises".It's all very exciting stuff except for one fundamental problem: Pippa has no arse. So devoid of all infrastructure to her posterior, newspapers editorialising on her bits, resort to using pictures of her bending over. I'm not the only one to notice the Emperor's New Clothes either, the French are saying 'non' to her assets, and Tinie Tempah doesn't dig it.
Click here to view original 12MP image (hi-res evidence, just to make sure!)
I knew I had to create this post when there was strong talk of her winning the highly important and newsworthy accolade: the "Rear of the Year" competition. If she had actually won it, such a travesty would surely have ripped a hole in the gusset-fabric of space-time! Then again, perhaps it's good for balance that people fall over themselves for invisible butt-cheeks, after all, some women have complained for years about how much positive coverage the "J-Los" of this world have been getting. And we wouldn't want the stereotypes of Big Bottomed Girls equaling "lazy bitches" to be broken down, now would we. Oh no.
Speaking of Big Bottomed Girls, important developments regarding the legitimacy of Kim Kardashian's back-mountains have come to light. I was informed by Mass Gain Project, a commentator on my "What Liberace's Death May Tell Us About The Mystery Of Kim Kardashian's Ass Cheeks" post, that Kardashian has had her bottom x-rayed to prove it's real to the non-believers. Mr. Mass Gain kindly included a link to a report done by the Daily Mail. I don't know what to make of it. This could give rise to a bigger conspiracy case than 9/11, Roswell and JFK put together! Let us assume [too cool to pun that one] that the x-rays are real, that doesn't negate the fact that she could have had other procedures done (such as fat injections into her rump-lump) to boost her figure. All is not proven at this point. DNA may have to be extracted.
I shall discuss the findings with local paranormal/conspiracy PI, Jim Corr, and see what he thinks. Perhaps Kim's buttocks are two large egg sacks containing the spawn of the Reptilian people. They could rupture in 2012 and release part of the hoard that will enslave mankind and eat our facial tissues.
All I know for sure is: if you had asked me to write a blog post about Kim Kardashian's butt cheeks and my face, before I wrote all this above, I don't think that post would have turned out the same way as this one...