RTÉ's 2013 Line Up

Things to look forward to on RTÉ in the New Year....

• The Angelus will now be on 6 times a day and will run for 5 minutes each time. RTE top brass had this to say on the decision: "It's cheap as shit, and fills out 30 minutes we don't have to find something else for." A three hour omnibus edition will appear on Sunday afternoons on RTE 2, for those that missed any during the week.

• There will be no more episodes of "Reeling in the Years". Instead an "advanced automated system" has been put in place where nuggets of classic Irish television will be delivered, automagically, without need of human editing. It is promised to be nothing less than a New World Order of television programming technology, and will be sold to every television station across the globe! RTE insiders this is actually just reruns of old TV series like: CheckUp, The Pure Drop, Head2Toe, Glenroe, and Garda Patrol.

• The Liveline will get a facelift. Not the program, you understand, but Joe Duffy himself, who will have a minor nip/tuck operation done, which will be paid for from RTÉ's "emergency slush fund". "It's important to look well, when you're in the media", the radio host has said. He made no comment when asked if part of the plastic surgery was to give more sides of his mouth to speak out of.

• RTE news programming will be dropped, and live feeds from CNN and SkyNews will be played in their place. "It makes sense" the head of RTE news has said. "We were just reading out their scripts anyway. We might as well let them do the whole thing."

• Ryan Tubridy is set to leave RTÉ for foreign shores in the new year. He doesn't know it yet, but RTÉ have promised to get rid of him somehow.

RTE test promo footage...

• In fit of desperation for ratings, RTÉ is to bring back the daily "Afternoon Show", but with a new "exotic" female presenter and radical change in direction for the show. Dáthí Ó Sé, who will still be the male host, had this to say on the matter: "Bhuel, fuck me! Wha! Lovely shtuff! Haven't a clue what she's shayin' but shure, I've gotten away that for years. She's got shome child barin' build on her too, tis all I'll shay about the cailín. Mighty shtuff."

• After 20+ years, Fair City is to come to an end. RTE are unwilling to divulge too much of the plot line but they have said that the end will be an extravaganza of blood and bullets, with "no survivors"... Exclusive synopsis: Bob Charles finds himself living on the street once again, and HIV positive after a nocturnal encounter with Jo Fahey. He's on his way to the river when he spots a hidden haul of assault rifles that Zumo Bishop has been importing for the Carrigstown mafia. He arms himself and heads back into Carrigstown. Hilarity ensues!

• In the 4th quarter of the year, RTÉ have said that they will admit defeat and turn off all media transmissions. Staff will be given bricks and mortar to help entomb themselves in RTÉ's main building, where they will remain until the Sun aligns itself with Andromeda in the 23rd millennium, and great G Ryan, the Omnipotent, returns to enslave mankind.... that or when Irish debt is paid back, whichever is sooner.