Three Guards And A Bicyclist
A grinning loolah runs through the long grass, clutching a bike, while a Guard strides behind in slow motion. Two more Guards appear. The man falls down and all three Gurads walk away, nonchalant like. Then, and with impeccable timing, the man rises up from the grass and says that he was quoted the Road Traffic Act. Is this Irish Monty Python or what!? "Help, help! I'm being repressed!"
A Delicious Concoction For Kate Moss
An old idea, about an old quote, using an even older photograph. I'm not sure if Jacobs even make FigRoll bars any more. This concoction of Figrolls and Nutella was highly addictive and probably provided enough calories for a Soyuz spacecraft to escape Earth's atmosphere. I'm not sure what the Doom connection is though.
"You are what you eat" or so they say. Kate Moss must be a big ball of cocaine then. What is Kate Moss up to these days anyway. Didn't she die with Amy Winehouse or something? Or was that Pete Doherty? I recall some kind of connection there. The original title for this post was another quote, by Tommy Tiernan "They Only Make Clothes For Skinny Bitches!" but on reflection, that seemed confusing.
Lets Take Vincent Browne On An Adventure!
* If you do happen to use the PNG image, and feel like only crediting one source, please link the original flickr url, as they are the rightful owner.
The One Were I Play A Special Request
If you petition the Gammagoblin it may very well work and you will have your content/story/underpants exposed on Riemann's Cut. There will be a price to this of course, not a monetary price no, but something far worse. I'm still not sure what that means but I'll be sure to let you know if it involves some form of lubrication.
I got an email full of praise and admiration, which fell just short of offering me a blowjob, if I included the video above, in a blog post. I very nearly just deleted this message as I often get generic spam from Youtube. These spam Youtube videos usually have some sort of new-age Jesus theme, or are from young teenage girls. For security reasons I always investigate the latter type, just in case, you know. This was different though, this was an email from Rob Carlyle!
I couldn't believe it! Actor, Rob Carlyle had emailed me about some video he wanted me to promote. I rushed through the body of the message and the truth slowly dawned on me, this wasn't "StarGate Universe" star Rob Carlyle but some random Irish Joe, Rob Carlile. He outlined how he had produced the little song above and was very proud of the idea to create a tune based on the safety announcement made on Bus Eireann buses. He also explained how annoyed he was that the idea was already ripped-off by someone he showed it to and was now seeking revenge!
Well I'll have no part of your revenge schemes, let me that state that right now! You'll have to do your own dirty work, Mr. Rob Carlile! And I will offer full co-operation to members of the An Gardai Na Siochans, if they so request it. I know that most people's idea of "revenge" is different than mine, and does not involve festooning the persons living room with their bowels, in front of their children, but you can never know for sure.
I never do anything for free, as I already mentioned, so I am getting my pound of flesh from this video. I think the song is pleasant enough, but I'd go back and re-record the "doors opening" clip. It sounds like a recording a KGB officer would have made of the US president during the cold war, from 3 miles away, in a submarine. Don't be afraid of Bus Eireann employees, you own them. If you want to throw everyone off the bus and set up a sophisticated recording equipment, you can. It was written into the constitution when NAMA took over. Also that drumming pattern is very old fashioned. It reminds me of when I was in 2nd Year, around 1995.
Well, I hope this blog post helps in your pursuit to become famous, Mr. Rob Carlile. I really don't know why you asked me to display the video here though. My own videos barely get more than 10 views. If you really want national coverage you should direct all further offers of feltching sessions towards Big Mental Disease. BMD get's played by Ray d'Arcy on national radio every day. The most I ever got was to make Vincent Browne nearly choke on his tea when a tweet of mine was read out on tv in front of him.
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Dear God
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment.
Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely, EdnaThe postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.
Sincerely, Edna
[via]
"Are You In Love" - Automatic Pilot
I forgot I uploaded this video in 2010 and never posted it here. If it weren't for some silly hashtag thing on Twitter just now, I wouldn't have even thought of it. Here's my blurb from the video's Youtube description:
"Automatic Pilot perform "Are you In love." The audio on the original recording was quite thin and poor so I overdubbed the audio with another live performance taken from their "Live In Broadway" album and edited the video to roughly match. Some of the original audio is left on the soundtrack to keep it sounding "open" and "live". At the very least, it makes for an ad hoc music video. Copyrights (1982) owned by Karl Brown & Matthew McQueen."Enjoy some of the finest classic 1980's Erotic Jazz Wave you will ever hear!
High Resolution Photography
A dichotomy has formed between technology, and the obsession with perfection. On one hand we want a dehumanising levels of flawless blemish free skin, as smooth as plastic or porcelain. Hours are spent in digital darkrooms, airbrushing away our biological markers, and yet, camera resolutions keep increasing, allowing us to see finer and finer details. Ironically, as we enter deeper into the Ultra High Definition world, and resolution depths increase, we will once again look towards fine details and "imperfections", for it's these imperfections that will bring a new level of realism to our viewing pleasure.
[ Download High Resolution Photography.mp3 ]
High resolution photography,
Increased spectral allure.
A new viewing fetish
For the modern voyeur.
Fine details bring intimacy,
Megapixels see more.
The pleasure is in zooming,
A view into every pore.
Digital existence,
The body superceeded.
Imperfections sought after,
Perfection not needed.
Traversing the landscapes,
Through pixelated mesh.
This is our life now,
Long live the new flesh.
Words, music, and thoughts conjured after watching Tron:Legacy (2010). Image: 640x640 crop of this 34MP photograph.
George Hook And The Great Animated GIF Experiment
Dear reader,
Please stare at the looping gif image and listen to the music provided [dopplereffekt gesamtkunstwerk].
How does it make you feel? Do you have an increased sense of self worth? Increased apathy? Suicidal, perhaps? If I said the word "Erogenous", do you see the colour purple? If you have the equipment at home, take a measurement of the serotonin levels in your blood; I think you'll find that they have increased.
Write down your reports and send them to Dr. James O'Reilly, Fine Gael Offices, Dail Eireann.
Your government loves you.
Enda "Jesus" Kenny.
The Best Phone In The Universe (Mk. 1)
There it is, a beauty is it not. It merges the best of all possible worlds: a modified Nokia 7110 running Android. I've chosen the body of the best phone ever made for ergonomics. This is still the only phone that I've ever owned where texting was a joy and not a trapeze act for my fingers to go through, where the eventual outcome is a complete state of spastic digits. It has that "Maxtric" flip-down part you see, which not only looked cool but if gave your bottom fingers something to grip while your thumb did it's textual magic. The concept is much the same as a violinist holding the violin with their chin and not their hand.
Not only was the 7110 the most comfortable phone to use, it was also a true milestone in mobile telecommunication technology, much more so than any Apple iPoop. But things have move on since the failure of the WAP crap. We have full internet on our phones for some years now, and we need an OS that can handle full colour pornography, so that's where Android comes in. I don't care too much for apps but it all has to be Open and Free.
Since this is only visual, I thought I might include some other proposed specs: it has a touchscreen of course. Multi touchscreen in fact, capable of tracking 11 fingers. An Intel i7 chipset, running at 7ghz. Power is provided by an old Soviet Union technology: a 5v micro-Chernobyl battery, with a 3 hour Fukushima redundancy chip. The whole unit will be generously cooled via technology originally invented by the Mayans.*
As you can see from the title, this is only the first version. A mk 2 is planned, which will finally solve the problem present with all mobile phones: they are all upside down.
* This paragraph should be taken with a pinch of salt, twice daily...
Tina Maze Wears Rubber Underpants
Scandal recently erupted in the world of women's alpine skiing. Slovenian skier, Tina Maze, was accused of wearing an illegal ski-suit (or at least that's what I read at first) which had a plastic backing. Ski-suits are routinely tested by the FIS for breathablity. How much air passes through the fabric affects speed, so a standard is set and once the suit passes a test, a tag known as a "plomb" is attached.
It turns out that the "plastic ski-suit" was actually a rubber underpants! Maze was apparently wearing a one piece rubber "Long Johns" which some suggested was giving her an unfair aerodynamic advantage. She addressed this story after her run in this mornings Super G in Cortina d'Ampezzo with her "protest bra" pictured above.
Rachel Allen: Murderous Rampage With Huge Gun And Monster Vehical
I listened, awestruck, to last Tuesdays RTÉ Liveline, where a man came on air and said that Rachel Allen was running around with a "huge gun" on a "murder" rampage. You can listen yourself with the embedded clip.
[ Listen on Liveline website ]
Wild and vivid images passed through my mind, not dissimilar to the picture I created above. Being a ghoul, I rushed to the internet to find this image of delectable Gore & Gomorrah, which was described on-par with the details of a rampage by the likes of Anders Breivik or Nordine Amrani! What I got instead was the image below:
I am being facetious, of course. I knew damn well that all this talk of "big guns" and "murder" would bring nothing more than an ordinary image of a person with a double barrel shotgun and a couple of dead birds. The caller was adamant to highlight his outrage though. Even though he wasn't to upset at people eating meat, the fact that Rachel Allen is a chef and went onto to cook the birds was irrelevent to him, for she was brandishing a "massive gun" in a photograph and thus, committing "murder". He was probably just trollin' to advertise his "Animal Rights" website, to be honest. The organisation connected to this website appears to be modelled on PETA, both in activity, and insanity.
Creating Stroboscopic Effects From The Refresh Rate Of A CRT Monitor
The title of this post seems to promise an in-depth review of the technique but no, I'm afraid it's just a video I made of bubbles breaking the meniscus of a carbonated beverage, sitting in front of illumination of my computers monitor.
I did once make water drip backwards, like in this video, by using my monitor. I may have to document that at some point in the future.
John C. Dvorak Grinding His Organ (Suzuki Hammond SK series)
That there, is technology journalist John C. Dvorak showing off his chops on his very own Hammond Organ, and is no way a dodgey chop-shop gif I made up from footage of his X3 netcasts. No.
If you would like to hear someone actually playing a Hammond SK organ (which was released last year), check out Vijay Tellis-Nayak playing an SK1 in the video below. I think you'll find the poly-rhythms particularly delicious.
And yes, the SK series was endorsed by Jon Lord.
In the Name of the MAINTAIN, and the HARDLINE, and the Holy KOPIMI
[ story ]
http://torrentfreak.com/mpaa-lawyer-inspired-file-sharing-religion-catholic-bishop-unhappy-120107/
[ image resources ]
http://www.kopimi.com/kopimi/
http://www.wikinfo.org/index.php/File:Kopimi_k1.svg
http://www.griffintrading.com/WP/?p=1396
http://www.clker.com/clipart-rainbow-color-square.html
Irish Military Archives Online
The first part of the militaryarchives.ie online archive is up, comprising of "Maps, Plans, & Drawings". They are promising to add further archives in the future, including a cache of images that need help from the public with identifying (that's less about UFOs and more about personnel, I suspect). If you like the military and/or old documents it's a great place to browse through. The only downside is that they've used protected PDFs for the images, which mean's the experience isn't as fluid as it could have been.
[ via ]
Pat Kenny & The Woman With The Pyramid Tits
Rare footage emerged at the start of December 2011, but has since disappeared, of a young Pat Kenny describing how he used to masturbate to lady's wearing "bullet bras". So influential were these images, and so sheltered was he, that he thought women's breasts were actually that shape underneath. To put it bluntly: he thought tits were pointy.
This information soon gained traction in local folklore and ever since has been known as the "Pyramid Tits" incident. Even Mick Wallace got in on the action. Who knows if this footage will ever emerge again, but if it does, I will be sure to bring it to you. God speed.
Johnathon, Ive Got A KBE
[Sir] Johnathon Ive, genius Apple designer and not theif Apple designer* (no, not at all!), has gotten himself a KBE from the Queen of Great Britainland. That means that he now outranks a true computer genius and British war hero, Alan Turing, as Turing was only ever awarded a crappy OBE. Turing did get other rewards in his lifetime though. Chemical castration was one, a criminal record and a life of socially shunned loneliness were others. He finally got his life back on track though when in a fit of depression he killed himself. And all this because he was found out to be a homosexual. He might have saved Britain during WW2 but you know, he took it in the bum-bum, so that means he was worse than Hitler! You can sign the petition for an official pardon for Turing [ here ].
*as Steve Jobs would say, "grand theft".
The Origin Of STALKER's "Snork" Monster
The first film I watched in 2012 is an obscure 1971 documentary about an English family living away in the woods, choosing to ignore modern society. In The Moon and the Sledgehammer(1971), we see a father and 4 adult children, living and working together, using antiquated tools and steam powered machinery, talking about their lives and the world around them. While you would be right to suspect their knowledge of the then current world was novel, they nevertheless had great insight into the reasons they had chosen to leave it pass them by. A fascinating little film, which now has it's documentary about the making of the film too.
This leads me to the topic of this post, and the series of "S.T.A.L.K.E.R." computer games which are a favorite of mine. One of the mutated creatures in the games is known as a "Snork" and as you can see in the picture is a particularly nasty looking knave who crawls around on his hands and knees and sports a gas mask over his face. It seems clear to me that the makers of the game were influenced by The Moon and The Sledgehammer as it includes a scene where the father crawls around the yard on hands and knees in a similar fashion, wearing a gas mask. You can watch the scene below (he appears to be impersonating an elephant). I am sure this is not a coincidence as the film has a very similar feel to Andrei Tarkovsky's film Stalker(1979), which the games are largely based upon.Just a little bit of personal observation for you that I haven't seen mentioned anywhere before. Make of it what you will.
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